12 Reasons Being a Working Mom Isn't Bad, Stop the Mom Guilt

Your vision is to be independent yet have a family and be the best mom yet also climb the corporate ladder, be a great spouse, just be the best at all of it, right? Don’t show any cracks, any struggle, make sure no one sees you cry, somehow it just magically comes together every day. And don’t forget, you want to be thin, healthy, and have a beautiful home. Oh and then there are the cars, and you want to keep your friends, and make time for them as well. The list for many of us is neverending and it’s a constant battle or prioritizing.

My early path to a career

I wanted to be independent and have all the things that everyone talks about. I just didn’t know right away my path. Your priorities may be different from mine but in my early twenties, I was a bit lost I would say and so school came second to a small cleaning business I had started. I didn’t realize until my later twenties that I wanted something different and that’s when I completed a bachelor's degree, 27 to be exact. I then took a free internship to just get in somewhere and was hired after 6 weeks, and the rest is history.

I received a lot of questions thrown at me during that 9 years of time from 18 to 27. “Is this really what you want to do the rest of your life?” A tax guy referred to me from my dad asked me one day “When are you going to get a real job?” I wanted to punch that one in the throat. The one that turned the tables for me was a four-year-old girl one time asking me “Do you like your job?” The answer was no and I knew I had to make a change so I found a school that allowed flexibility and got started. I had credits to transfer, but it was still a four-year program that I completed in 1.5 years going full time and then some.

Who prepares you for being a guilty mom?

Thinking back, everyone was so focused on what my career was and judging my choice of how I supported myself. Never once did I ever ask for help or money. Not one person ever mentioned kids or family either. No one prepared me for the feelings of guilt when it was time for a family. Then all of the sudden, you have a family and it's like now what. Do you forget the career that was such a big deal or like keep running towards it?

How did I get here to mom guilt?

During pregnancy with my first child and after, I was a purchasing manager and 30 years old. To say I struggled with the decision to work or not doesn’t come close to explaining how difficult it was. I didn’t know the right answer. There was such pressure for a career, yet you also have a person to raise, shape and mold. You have to provide for your child, yet also make sure you catch all the key moments and give them the best life you can. But what does that mean? What is the best life possible?

I knew what I wanted to avoid. I wanted to avoid at all costs being in a divorce or single-parent situation where I couldn’t afford to take care of her. I knew I wanted a career and I didn’t want to throw that dream away. I was in a marriage that wasn’t really a marriage. It was two separate people with separate finances, and so it wasn’t exactly a choice to work, but the guilt made me feel as though it was and that maybe I should’ve made different choices.

The second child

I never took a break in work and fast forward four years to a second child, I ran into a similar type of guilt as I was in a marriage at this point to the love of my life and it was a true partnership where I could’ve taken a work break and we would’ve been okay. Okay being financial, I personally think I would've lost my mind though. The commute to work every day through pregnancy and after was slowly killing me. I napped in the car before work sometimes so that I could get to work before traffic so I didn’t have to sit so long nauseous and at lunch in a parking garage to get through pregnancy and I hardly made it, literally. Due to placental abruption, my daughter ended up being born weeks early and stayed in the NICU for about four weeks. She was actually stillborn and by a miracle of God resuscitated and I almost bled to death. The weeks I was home off work recovering and she wasn’t home provided a lot of time to think.

After maternity leave, something made me keep going but I had those moments daily of what am I doing. I had considered taking a closer job that was about half the pay just to cut down on stress but I just couldn’t take that step backward. I was of the mindset if you’re going to be gone 45 hours a week, you may as well be making the absolute most money possible. I considered staying home. I thought about going back to self-employment. I felt like I had something to prove to myself. After a year and a half, I started an MBA program to have more options. I finished this degree too in 1.5 years, which was just about unheard of and required special permission to do so. During that 1.5 years, a lot changed career-wise and that’s where I’m at today.

Chase your dream mom

I’m again at a crossroads as of late. I’m very happy in my current position and accomplishments but there’s something driving me again. I suspect it’s my strong desire to not be in a place where someone can take something away from me so I always keep trying to do the next step. I'm always striving to make sure I can always take care of my family no matter what happens. I love my job but like most of us, you’re dependent on what other people think of you every day and your job performance.

I recently mentioned to my family going back to school for a doctoral program and wanted to explain it to my girls. I told my 8-year-old the reasons I wanted to do this and what it meant for family life and how sometimes I would need to be reading but that we can still go to the park and do things. Her immediate response to me was “You only get one life mom. One day I want to be a YouTuber. You need to chase your dream.” She went on to tell me something about being the smartest person in the world and I was floored.

I was completely shocked to get something so insightful from her and so immediately. That response is what inspired this article. I was thinking to myself how can I think about a luxury like going back to school again while working, what will that do to my kids? Will I look back and feel I missed everything? That’s not exactly rational as I would be home for this program and everyone has spare time, no matter what you think, so it’s like would you rather watch tv in that spare time or do something that propels your family?

What benefits and lessons are you teaching your kids by being a working mom?

The mom guilt can be so bad but when you take a step back to think about how your children see you, it may make all the difference and it may help you keep charging forward. You may think being gone for hours every week is detrimental in some ways, but is it? If you’re married, there are slightly different lessons you teach than if you are single, but either way, turn this around to what you are giving your kids. Below are all the things I can think of regardless of relationship status.

1. You are showing your child how to be independent

Your child sees an example of what it is to work for what you have and therefore, you are setting them up to not rely on someone else and stay in relationships that are abusive or otherwise negative.

2. You show them how a family should operate

Both parents have to contribute to the home and fairly equally. They see this and it will set the expectation for when they are seeking to get married themselves. Again showing them an example to aspire to. At some point, your child may make the choice to be a mom who is at home, but it will be a choice, and they’ve seen from you how to set themselves up so they have the option, not dependence.

3. You show them what it means to accomplish goals

They watch you say I want to do X and they see you work hard and put time towards accomplishing that, providing an example of what it means to have a goal and to go get it.

4. You show them the importance of education and intelligence

In a social media, YouTube, Instragram filtered world, there is more pressure than ever to look beautiful and thin. Them seeing you handle work calls, video meetings, and assignments shows the value and respect you can gain through education, responsibility, and intelligence rather than seeing a looks-driven world. You are, after all, their primary role model in the formative years. Show them.

5. You are giving them the best you can

Whether it’s two incomes in a married home, or one income in a single home, you are working and contributing to them having the best home you can provide. Often, a second income is the difference in being able to go to the zoo or go on a trip, and your income is providing those experiences and in some cases, better food, or other learning opportunities like ballet or baseball.

6. You provide stability

With both parents working, the likelihood is that they won’t experience a household with both parents unemployed. Yes, that may happen at times, but you can still keep going without losing the home most likely if you are contributing financially as well.

7. You show them the importance of personal fulfillment

You may have a hobby that takes care of this, but for many, going to work is something that makes you feel accomplishment and fufills some social needs. You are going to be a happier parent and offer more quality attention to your children when you have something that makes you feel your contributing to society, your home, and you have social connections. Work can provide a balance that you wouldn’t otherwise have if you were not working.

8. Quality vs. quantity

I make a point to try to do something with the girls on the weekend that is outside of the house or some project of some sort so that we have time together and they are learning something. In order to do this and get through school, I made some sacrifices like cutting my own hair because every minute truly does count and I couldn’t be gone for even a few hours to do something like hair and yet get everything else done.

I do recommend finding ways to incorporate the things you like to do in things that are teachable moments for kids or fun activities to avoid losing your mind though. Sometimes you have to multitask and so these things need to be combined to get through a day.

• I workout in the backyard or at parks during the summer so that the kids can get out and play and we hang out while I get a workout in and they don’t even notice.
• Jogging with them in a stroller is a great time for them, and you get exercise in.
• Play tag in the yard, and again, everyone is active, so workout is done and they are happy as can be.
• We do tea parties outside in the yard as a way to have a fun lunch together. They get to set it up. We have to eat lunch, so make it something special.
• Think of any way possible for them to contribute to dinner depending on age. It may be stirring something, adding ingredients, reading ingredients, something to teach. This is time together to do something healthy, and not spend time driving in traffic to a restaurant for take out. My kids like to make videos- set them up to record.
• Clean the bathroom during bath time and have them help.
• Read stories during bath time.
• Ask them to help organize drawers. Mine love doing the snack drawer and not to mention my wallet.

9. You’re showing them family is priority

I haven’t done this yet, but I’m swearing I’m going to start for years now. That would be hiring some of the home service type things out. This is an option. If you feel like you just can’t muster energy on weekend to do something with the family, maybe finding someone to help with housework even once a month could be an option to help you out. You are not a failure for doing this (something I need to keep telling myself), you are showing your family that you are making them a priority and that it’s okay to need help. It really does take a village in all different ways.

10. You’re teaching them how to prioritize

If you’re working, and taking care of a family, that’s a lot, but if you’re doing even more like taking a class or have another type of hobby, your kids will see how you learn to balance.

11. You are able to better guide them

They are going to have homework questions, assignments, and one day, they may need an internship. Being connected to the workforce may help you in guiding them with a resume, a first job, math homework, or just being up on the latest tips.

12. Daycare is teaching them, and it's not so bad

Not every daycare is great. The first one I ever went to ended up shutting down and it’s still fuzzy and to why. The lady we hired after that turned out to be a complete wreck so there’s that. But I can say this having my youngest at Northbrook Academy for four years. They are very structured, just like school and my daughter is learning from people who are trained. They also include religious undertones to daily activities. Who is to say kids should only be in school starting at 5 and beyond? Is that outdated? Why shouldn’t they be in school younger? Studies show that children build their foundation for learning and success by eight years old. So how bad is it really to have your child learning and structured young? They learn friendship building on top of it, which can be especially useful if they are an only child. What if daycare is your mom or aunt? They are still learning from an outside influence, which goes back to the village idea. They are still building relationships with others.

One thing not mentioned yet is the fact that your kids are going to grow up and leave you. Yes, they are going to find their own friends, spouse, home, and things to do. What are you going to have when that happens? I’m not there yet, so I can’t say for sure, but I know I want to set myself up so that God willing, I have something that still brings fulfillment and accomplishment to my life after they leave the nest. Sometimes I think I will follow them to the city they choose for college and move there. The reality is though, I have to let them live and continue with my own life.

The point of this article is that every working mom is likely to experience the mom's guilt at some point. Take a step back though and look at the role model you are giving them and think of ways to spend the time you do have in meaningful ways. It’s common to hear the best thing you can do is to teach your kids to be independent, right? It’s not simply a matter of just learning how to cook and clean, it’s giving them a role model of someone who can take care of themselves and their family one day who is personally fulfilled and happy within themselves. If you have sons, they learn the type of spouse to seek and how to treat their wife, and if you have daughters, they learn the type of woman to be.